loving myself

2009-01-04T01:12:00.003+08:00

explainations or excuses i dont know.

should i believe you?
why does my mind says no but my heart yes?
does that mean i still love you?
i dont know anymore..

i could always forget everything and go back to you.
but i dont deny that everything will change..
i have lost whatever trust i've placed in you for the past 2 years..
wont it just make the existing problems we have worst?
how am i to give you the freedom you want without fearing that you will do the same thing to me again?
how can i still carry on a relationship when i wasnt even sure there would be any future at all?
i know you dont like to talk about the future with me..
but right now i dont even know if there would even be a tomorrow..
our differences and goals in life are pulling us apart..
have no one ever told you that what a girl wants is very simple?
i just need somebody to love me properly and give me a sense of security..
i once thought i was the luckiest girl alive..
have i changed or have you not tried to know who i am?
have you changed or was i just imagining your love for me?

why cant my heart give up on you after all the pain you have inflicted on it?
why am i still holding on?..

maybe, just maybe by the time i graduate i would have convinced myself to give up.

THE END

2008-12-30T09:18:00.002+08:00

'if ever we break up, its definitely because of you and another guy"..

the exact words still lingering in my ears..

the image still clear in my memory..

26 months ago..

you came and got me out of a meaningless relationship..
only to throw me deeper into another..

what made you do this to me?
i've never and will never do anything to hurt you so why are you hurting me this way..
is our 2 years relationship worth so little to you? do i mean nothing to you?
you know i will never give up on our relationship unless you do first..
you know how much i've committed..
i refused to give up even when it hurts so much. even if i've to sacrifice everything..
just because you said you still love me.
you need time i give you time.. you want to be alone i left you alone.. without a time limit i hold on just because you said you still love me...
i have told you not just once that if ever you like someone else please let me know.. you know i will hate you if you cheat on me so why did you still do it??
why make me hold on believing its all my fault, believing that if i wait long enough i will find the miracle i'm waiting for?.. why make me suffer when u tried so hard to go after another girl...
a girl you barely know and you are prepared to give me up? all that i've put into the relationship means nothing to you at all? what was going thru your mind when u told me pack and pack of lies?
so what exactly are you going to do with me when you got the girl?
just because she asked you if we are still together you deleted our photos from your friendster?
then why did you purposely leave one? just to satisfy me that i still mean something to you even if its so little? let me tell you, you did it.. i still naively believe that you still love me..

up until last night i still couldn't bring myself to believe that you would do this to me..

2008-05-17T12:44:00.003+08:00

it all felt like a dream last night. a bad one that is..
but i know its not a dream. my swollen eyes proved it.. i thought i wouldnt be able to sleep but exhausted from all the crying i fell asleep even without myself knowing..
i didnt see it coming and i wasnt prepared for something like that.. what is it that we cannot solve together? unless the problems u have is me.. you want to take a break from me to be alone.. to find yourself back to love me like before.. we are already meeting once a week and you are only calling me once a day for a short while.. and i am still disrupting your life so much that you wan to stay away from me totally?
if it's really the case i cant help but think the problem you are facing and troubling you is me..
when you told me its something at home i was guilty that i wasnt helping you but instead giving you more problems by throwing temper and all.. so i bought your fav food and waited outside your house for hours and bitten by mosquitoes all over only to find out you've friends coming over for mahjong.. it seems to me when you're with them (all your friends) your troubles are not there and only when you are with me that you dont feel like talking dont feel like going anywhere, doing anything.. you said you didnt ask them over, they wanted to go over and play and you cant reject cos you have to give face and all.. but what abt last night? you went over to your friend's place for mahjong! dont blame me for sounding so sarcastic over the phone.. you always say you are tired, dont feel like meeting, dont feel like talking but its becoming clearer to me that its only to me..
i dont know how long this break you want is going to take and i really dont know long will it be before i breakdown..
meanwhile i can only cry myself to sleep thinking where is the man i loved gone and if he still loves me..

2007-08-21T15:47:00.000+08:00

think i've forgotten that i even own a blog haha. been so long since i've updated anything in here. always thought that after dear go army i'll have lots of time but dont know why i'm still quite busy all the time. guess i spent most of my time missing him (not shopping). things are getting better for now and yup i feel like there is a possibility that this two years will not be as bad as i imagine as long as things keeps going well for us (:
love you baby..

2007-06-01T16:27:00.000+08:00

my dearest, thanks for giving me such a wonderful birthday. i really really appreciate everything you have done for me (:
must have taken lots of your time preparing the food and inviting people right? and i was still complaining that you're so busy those few days and neglecting me..

dear i know i have to grow up and stop behaving like a little girl, always wanting your attention and need you to take care of me always.. i will learn to be more independent i promise..
i really miss you dear.. havent had the chance to tell you how much i love you and the chicken wings you made and there you go.. to malaysia for your diving trip.. if you had told me we're having bbq that night i wouldn't have ate so much before that! haha will fill my stomach with all your chicken wings (:

i know that necklace have been with you for many many years.. i will cherish it and wear it all the time :)
the tears that night, they are really tears of joy. the joy of having you walk into my life 7 months and 24 days ago. god is really kind to me..

2007-05-22T10:36:00.000+08:00

hate the midnight charges of taxis!!
so yesterday was my first day working at Connoisseur Divan (:
overall its quite a nice job EXCEPT for the hefty taxi fare..
its a relax job but i wont say its easy at all.
basic things like washing the glasses serving drinks still okay but when it comes to taking orders i'm screwed. half the time the customers are like speaking in another language when ordering drinks (glenmorangie burgundy, double, one ice). think i will take years to learn all the liquor's name.
but its really fun working there cos i get to taste the liquor! heh. when a customer ordered BAILEYS yesterday i asked my collegue how does it taste like cos he ordered on the rocks so he say we can taste the liquor if we want not a glass but just a small sip. and so it taste like vanilla coffee haha think its some sweet alcohol probably barley? with milk added.
its a new experience working there and learning new things which i dun noe if i will ever get to use haha probably become an expert ordering nice drinks in future *grins*

2007-05-18T17:29:00.001+08:00

aaahhhhhh... this is the bag i'm dying to get my hands on!!
can anyone tell me if they see any shop retailing for less than $70??

2007-05-18T08:48:00.000+08:00

survived another day without baby..
today willl be a rather busy day i guess..

have to go down to school for a few things...
-photoshoot
-briefing

shud start sleeping early and waking up late
days will become shorter and who knows wednesday will be tomorrow!

i miss you..

the list

2007-05-17T11:03:00.000+08:00

my dear is so sweet! and i miss him so much alre. this is like just the first day of a week.. cant wait for him to return from aus.. anyway he expected that it will be hell for me 1 week without him so he prepared a list of things for me to do while he's away! althought i seriously dont think its enough to last me a whole week.. cause just last night i've alre finished watching pirates of the carribean 1 and 2 with my sis and my dad. and here i am updating my blog as he have asked me to.. haha that's 2 out of 9 things done! not mentioning the last thing which is to think of him cause i'm always thinking of him!

i received a call from jerry last night (while i was sleeping) saying that alan ask him to call me and talk to me whenever he's free cause he's afraid i'll be too bored.
so sweet of him..

i assume he came up with this idea on his own and not adapted from.. (PS, I Love You)
cause my baby dont like to read storybooks.. (not even Roald Dahl or Enid Blyton when he's young) -_-"
BABY i miss you so much! esp saying goodnite to you before i sleep everynight..
love you! and have lots of fun in australia (:

2007-04-10T01:49:00.000+08:00

u have no idea just how many films i've watched these few days. cos i'm at home all day long with nothing to do. haha cant believe i actually stayed home for 5 days straight except to go out to buy food. never thought i could be the home girl material. anyway i'm bored of staying home. cant wait to start school so i can be free from all the horrible housework. stomach's aching again.. time to go to bed!

2007-04-05T14:13:00.000+08:00

we had a very interesting discussion last night and till now this topic is still stuck in the little brain of mine. you always say i think too much and i think you are right. i'm a gemini for god sake! The third sector of the zodiac reflects the principles of intelligence and communication—the way people express themselves. have a wonderful love of the written word, as well as the spoken, and will often find yourself putting pen to paper and doodling your thoughts, if only to give you an insight into your own thinking processes.

now, let me reveal the topic of the day: infidelity.
i've been thinking all night and all morning too. all these while men have been the one at the receiving end of all the lashing regarding infedelity, which is cheating in simpler term. (suddenly feel like i'm back in MI writing my GP essay)
it's said that in nature, the male species tries to spread its "seed" to as many females as possible. females on the other hand are driven to turn down most suiters until the ideal one comes along. this process is known as natural selection and it ensures that the strongest genes are passed on to the next generation. is it really in the genes that all men will cheat given the opportunity? i'm too lazy to find out statistics what more this is not a GP essay. but from what i know and heard, it's not an uncommon thing for men to cheat. there's no gender discrimination here, i'm not generalizing that only men cheat. i believe there are women out there who cheats on the boyfriends and husbands too. it's just that i'm curious what are guys thinking.
dear, last night you defended your friend for cheating on his girlfriend (no names will be mentioned), all the excuses you stated, as far as i'm concerned are not valid. not even a teeny weeny bit. it will not be valid in his case neither will it be on you. if you ever plan to tell me any of those filmsy excuses, i think we're having major problems here.
what shocked me the most was what you said just before i said i love you and hung up the phone. being together for a long time in a relationship and getting bored, looking for excitement is the lousiest excuse i've heard. and it actually came from you.. if you can't even stay faithful and committed to the relationship in that few short years, how are you going to stay faithful to your wife for 40, 50 years when you get married? if you love your wife enough, you will not hurt her so badly by cheating on her and if you dont love her enough, dont marry her in the first place!
and the reason why boyfriends strays, the only reason is they are not committed to the relationship.
dear, you still remember the time you said you will be committed to our relationship? i believe you and i hope you mean it. by now you should know me well enough. what i dont like and what will get me angry and all riled up. cheating is one thing i cannot condone. (worse than lying).
i dun know what you were thinking when you tried to defend your friend.that cheating is normal, is okay and should be condone? the law doesnt say that men can cheat, so it's not okay.
lets hope we're on the right foot on this..

2007-03-26T15:13:00.000+08:00

and my job hunting starts today!! (:
i know it's a little too late since school's starting soon BUT money is never enough!! best is can find a job that can allow me to work even after school start and i think i just found one. still waiting for reply.. *cross fingers and pray hard*

2007-03-25T02:37:00.000+08:00

you promised you will not lie to me no matter what didnt you.. are you keeping your promise?
it's quite pointless in trying to interrogate you cause its either i believe you, or no matter what explaination you have, i will still be having doubts..
what's going thru my mind right now is, are you really at home like you said? in the living room studying so u cant talk to me on msn or on the phone but can only sms me.. or are you actually outside right now? i dont want to ask, neither am i waiting for an answer.. i only know i'm going off to bed..
anyway tks for the dinner and for driving me home..

you always tell me i'm thinking too much,
perhaps..

2007-02-24T17:49:00.000+08:00

one down three more to go before liberation. not really actually. stupid camp's right after exam for three days.. i'm so gonna miss him.. wonder where he will go when i'm not around.. will he miss me?
maybe lin is really right. the honeymoon period is over. its approaching our fifth month. i've been so used to seeing him almost everyday. talking to him on the phone every night even when we aren't really talking i'm contented enough to just know that he's there. so used to all these that its so difficult for me to adjust. so why cant the honeymoon period last forever? i guess he needs some time for himself too.. and now what i really need to learn fast is to trust him. trust that he still love me as much as before even when he's not showing it. trust that he will uphold his promise to quit smoking.
dear, i do love you for who you are and not what you do but its your health i'm most concern about. not the act of smoking, its the effect of it. i dun want to see you end up like my dad u understand?
tks girls for all ur concerns i really appreciate that. i'm alright.. just take it as i'm pms-ing? haha i really want to sun tan!

"It's not that I can't live without you, It's that I don't even want to try."

2007-02-22T15:42:00.000+08:00

memories of the past keeps coming back to haunt me..
i feel just like i'm back to the past..
constantly waiting.. expecting calls or sms..
i know u're different from him.. i also know i shouldn't even think of him..
it's just that these days u seem so busy.. so unwilling to talk to me on the phone..
just like him..
i also dun wan to be so immature i also want to grow up i also want to be confident of myself.. but the past experiences has made me very insecure.. i need more assurance than you can ever imagine.. it's not that i'm not confident of myself.. its more like i have no confidence in relationships.. its something i cannot have control over.. love fades just as quickly as it comes and even if u're most unwilling to let go you can never hold on to it..
i can always make it easy for you and not give you any problems again..
i can always go back and be the 24 hrs available girlfriend.. its not like i've never done it before.. u can call when u please and i will always be available.. i wont call you anymore so that i wont be disappointed and you wont be disturbed..
anyway i'm quite used to it.. it always happens when i'm too free.. i use to fit into everybody's schedule to fill up the empty spaces.. maybe i should really go back to working and studying again. it's the best way to keep me occupied from thinking too much and its been proven ny me.. not like it never happened before.. dun it just sound like the same old me again?

2007-02-21T14:52:00.000+08:00

the weather looks good today. made my bed this morning which is rather unusual. even mum said so. showered and watch sesame street. and there i saw the weighing machine so out of curiosity i weigh myself and guess what? *smug* i lost 2 kg! i thought i would gain weight during cny but surprisingly i lost some. must be yesterday din eat anything the whole day.. no appetite. and here i can hear mum saying i will die of malnurition if i dun eat properly yadayada.. ate a little bit of noodles and i'm so full. feels like overload for my poor stomach. i seem to study better in the nite. afternoons always feel so lazy.. tonight is mugging nite again.

2007-02-19T23:08:00.000+08:00

sometimes i have to learn to trust you
sometimes i have to force myself to believe ur lies
sometimes i have to battle with myself to not question you
sometimes i have to cry myself to sleep
sometimes i hate myself for calling to check on you only to find out things that i dun want to know
sometimes i hate myself for thinking too much

something's telling me something's changed.
maybe i'm no longer your first priority.
maybe you are loving me lesser and lesser.
maybe i'm becoming more and more unreasonable.
maybe its not just that i'm over-sensitive?
maybe its because i can clearly compare your attitude from the past and the present?

i know something is different.
i know from the way u look into my eyes
i know from the way u talk to me nowadays.
i know from the way u hold my hands and hug me.
i know from the way u say I LOVE YOU every nite.

i hear it everyday but recently something's different.
u dun have to say it if u dun mean it.
but can you please tell me what is the something?
because i'm getting fustrated
tired of guessing.
if its because u're tired of seeing me everyday
we can stay apart for a while
i know i need to get use to it soon too..

loves

2007-02-15T03:43:00.000+08:00

after 6 roses i have 10 tulips!! (:
had dinner at chijmes' la cave restaurant and wine bar
darling spent a bomb. love you!

there's nothing more i can ask for..
for i have you..
loves"

2007-02-06T14:52:00.000+08:00

something's wrong with me. my eyes just keep tearing plus all the crying i think i might be going blind real soon.
what is causing these insecurities i'm experiencing?
could be i'm becoming skeptical about love.
no serious problems between us its just me.
always heading for an arguement, always making a mountain out of a molehill.
sometimes i think its just too good to be true, too good that i can never imagine life in the future without him. then again even marriage of many years doesnt last what makes me think we can.

headache

2007-01-25T14:38:00.000+08:00

bought a levi's jean yesterday!
and watched a stupid movie which i don't even know the name. okay hold on. let me check.
Apocalypto. the most horrible show ever! i dun even want to comment on it. if you want to know exactly how dumb it is, go watch it.
going for a haircut with dear later.
everytime before i snip my hair i always have this internal struggle.
to cut or not to cut.
had a few really bad experiences and i totally have no intention of disclosing any photos to prove my point. but this time my hair is really getting too long and i want to try a new look before cny. and i mean a new look. i know there's some time i said i'm going for a haircut but it turn out to be nothing more than trimming. and not to mention it cost a bomb.
oh no. need to make this fast, meeting dear soon.
i want to complain! this lady, the parent of my tutee is too much! all i want now is to get rid of her. i dun wan to teach anymore. argh. help me anyone.

unbelievable

2007-01-22T22:35:00.000+08:00

forgot to tell u guys i took up the tuition assignment! haha. today's the first lesson and kind of just bluff my way through.. ohmygod. wanted to start accounts today but my tutee said he din bring his a/cs book home so ask me can teach Emaths not... what to do... cannot say no so just try my VERY best to teach him. been 2 years since i touched maths. and u people should how how atrocious my maths can be haha. to think i'm teaching people Emaths now is totally
un-be-li-va-ble!
any its the first chapter on algebra factorization. kind simple so still can cope but the truth is when i'm teaching him im like learning it myself also. naughty serene. but the next and the next and the next chapters? there's no way i can be so lucky to bluff my way through all the time. so? other than studying my own poly modules i still have to study Emaths! argh. swear i will quit after one month's up and find a better assignment WITHOUT Emaths and ONLY accounts.
its freaking far i realise and i took the wrong direction of train home and ended up in bukit batok. so tired when i reach home finally and i still have to rush report later (come here to vent my fustrations first).
anyway i love online overseas shopping! just rec' my first mechandise which is my pretty 8cm high heel haha. but promise to save money already so must limit myself. maybe 2 months den can order one time? i wan to order moreeeee shoeeees. hee..
shit. i hate periods. they give me bad cramps and cravings for sinful food. the EXPIRED box of ferrero rochers from "someone" sitting on the table looks tempting but... ... no nononono! should have thrown it away long ago but it means alot to me. the first time he surprised me like this haha although it's expired i still love it. but i still love you the most baby. i know i've been giving u really bad attitudes these days but its really not all my fault ok? just take it that i'm pms-ing alright? sorry..

way of life

2007-01-19T16:59:00.002+08:00

i don't mind a hectic lifestyle if i'm the rich or the famous. but the sad truth is, i'm neither.
this week's the writen ICA. generally satisfied with my performance cause it comes with the extra effort to start revision earlier than usual.
pls note: usual means one day before test but most of the time just the night before.
its amazing how i manage to come so far, don't you think?
anyway back to my hectic shedule. although written exams are over but there's still projects due every single week and semestral exam after CNY. going to study my ass off cause i'm actually quite curious to find out how much difference would it make between mugging in advance, and the usual, last minute cramming.
threatening dark clouds are hovering above me right now. to think this afternoon the sun was still trying to bake me alive. and i thought the rainy season is supposed to be over soon? i miss suntanning. seems like ages since i last tan and my skin color totally sucks now and i want that sunkissed skin right now! now! now!
just received a call from nasarath about the tuition assignment. but first its too far and second the pay is pathetic so i gave it up. i'm really desperate for a job now i need the moolah, the Almighty Dollar!

amour

2007-01-05T01:30:00.000+08:00

okay i admit i'm guilty of indulging too much in online shopping. god. must put a stop to all these alrd. i bought a pair of shoe and tons of make up haha. currently in the kind of mood to try new stuffs and start experimenting.
alright i know new year is over 5 days alrd but here's my new year resolution for 2007!
i think i mentioned this last year alrd but still it time to learn how to save moneee! next will be to spend more time with dear cos i know i'll miss him so badly once he goes ns which is pretty soon.. i love you baby u make me feel like i'm the happiest girl on earth, esp yesterday. i still dun noe wad happened to u but more importantly all i wan is that everyday will be like yesterday. i feel so loveeed! hee..

back to the resolutions. next i would like to lose some more weight. target will be set at 40kg. and not forgetting to do better for this semester or at least maintain the grade.

lastly i pray for world peace so that i can go to bangkok during the hols (:

christmas day

2006-12-25T19:38:00.000+08:00

this year's christmas is special.

because i have you with me.

i love you!

the year is coming to an end soon and there's a few things i would like to thank for..

to lin lin: thanks for being such a supportive friend and my deepest apologies for all the disappointments i've caused..

to ying hui: i thank god for a friend like you!

to anne: really glad to know that we've not forgotten each other (:

to ai ling and pei chien: haven been able to meet up with u girls but i want you both to know that this friendship will always be cherished.

to dear: i just want to spent every second of my waking (and sleeping) hours with you. haha just dun complain u see me see until sian alre alrights? love you..

greyness

2006-12-11T23:41:00.000+08:00

why wouldn't the headache go away? its totally irritating the hell out of me and causing me to throw tantrums occasionally. its not exactly spiltting headache but more like my head is feeling so heavy its weighing me down..

putting that aside, i think i've become very dependent on darling unknowingly.. and its a BAD thing. i've got to learn to be independent again. i dun wan to be always looking for him cos he might find it irritating and think i'm restricting him and i dun wan to imagine making him my everything and having to face it should he ever leaves me..

what more it seems to me that as days passes by, i seem to be missing him more than he misses me...

mahjong addict

2006-12-03T14:15:00.000+08:00

wednesday 29/11:

turn down work todae and still feeling a little heartache for the lost chance to earn money but NO! todae is definitely not the day to be spent working at that boring place. heh. dear passed his driving test and i'm very happy and proud of him (: went to eat at the fin seafood cafe again cos the food's nice (at least i think so). din noe the seafood baked rice has such a HUGE serving. almost couldn't finish.. gosh.. training yesterday all down the drain alrd haha.. so full luh haha still go and eat blueberry cheesecake at anderson's ice cream.. alright den accompanied dear back to yck for his training and i went off to meet anne and wen. haha had a fun girl's day out with them thou we din do much. i wan MORE MORE MORE! haha date me soon again ya?okay got to go study for stats alrd.. dear's too tired to keep me company so i shall sleep after studying. meeting him tmr to go back to cityhall to get his dad's present (:

sunday 3/12:

won money in mahjong last nite again haha reach home around 4am and woke my parents up. lucky they never scold me.. phew.. haha they must be thinking at least she came home :p

oh yesterday at work there's this guy who came to the shop alone and he look quite lost so i went to serve him. anyway its quite unusual for a guy to come into the shop alone cos we only sell ladies clothes u see? i asked how can i help him and he said he's looking for a dress for his girlfriend and not sure what she will like. so sweet right? aww.. so i did my best to help him and finally he got a gorgeous red tube dress which cost 43 bucks and before he left he still ask me where can he get very nice handbags to go with the dress. his girlfriend is a lucky girl yea? seriously guys in singapore should all go to popular, get a oxford dictionary and check up the words ROMANTIC and SURPRISE. but thinking how lazy guys can get i doubt they will.

ps: to save time and effort another alternative will be www.dictionary.com

i'm so dead i think i'm drowning in shit.. tmr is management paper and i still haven start studying!!! there's so much to memorise and so little time :(

but i feel like going to chinatown to get some stuff later.. anyone free to accompany me??

dun ask me why cos i dun know

2006-11-30T23:04:00.000+08:00

i dun noe wads going on.. anyway tmr no school but i've decided to work full shift cos more work means more ka-ching $$$! and most importantly i dun have to fret about wad to do to keep myself occupied. okay back to wad i was saying, i really dun noe wads going on up there in my head. first thing i think is cos of exam stress. i noe i dun look like i'm under stress cos i'm going out doing nonsense except studying and that's prcisely the reason why i'm so stress. and ain't it obvious enough cos its showing all over my face? (stress pimples) nvm..
second. i'm experiencing extreme boredom thus causing the "i dun wan to be alone at any point of time" syndrome. which in turn explain why i'm always going out. make sense? ok nvm. i seriously dun noe wad i'm blabbering now. and meeting people and going out recently did make me feel better cos at least i'm not alone but yet i'm too tired and drained to keep up with the enthusiasm causing the people i'm out with to feel unentertained. sorry..
things dun feel the same as before and no i'm not complaining cos i know there's no such thing as forever. things changes all the time but i just din expect it to come before i can prepare myself for it. nobody ever told me the average duration of the "honeymoon period". now we're down to the real test. when i ask u to repay me for i've done u a favor does it neccessarily mean it have to be material stuff? did it ever occur to you at all that i'm easily satisfied with a kiss or anything that can make me feel appreciated? i know i'm a materialistic girl in my own context but i spend my own money and i dun remember asking you to buy me anything in particular. if we've to start comparing who spends more on who, yes its u cos u paid for all our dating expenses. and since it seems like its causing some problems here we can go dutch from now on u know. plus i will not feel obliged to get u spensive presents every month to make up for the guilt but get u spensive presents becos i want u to be happy.

life's been rather stale despite the on-going activities and i feel so suffocated. time to find some excitement to spice things up a little..

today is anne day (:

2006-11-27T18:50:00.000+08:00

first thing first HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNE!!

so sorry i couldn't stayover at ur chalet yesterday.. got lesson early in the morning and i cannot afford to skip it alrd.. so sorry ya? hope you like the present and i love you!!

anyway country manna's food taste horrible and is definitely not worth the money at all! yucks. first time eat until so full yet dun feel satisfied at all.. haha darling's lamb is the ultimate i guess.. taste and look like coffeeshop food. so lets boycott country manna restaurant.

second month coming soon and i've finally decided wad to get for dear so now just need to see when can find time to go get it hee..

played mahjong for a while today and i won $$$! haha althou its so little but i'm still quite happy cos i've improved my mahjong skills!! haha tks to dear.. but that ruan dong's so freakin lucky i couldn't believe it..

feel like shopping so much!! but can only window shop cos still got lots of christmas present to settle.. just bank in some money into my super dried up bank account today.. must learn to start saving bit by bit alre if not linlin will kill me for sure.. BANGKOK here we come!! haha

dear, i know u're trying very hard and i din mean to pressurize you at all.. i dun noe its that hard to quit smoking.. promise me you will make good ur words alright?? i will give you all the motivation you need! jiayous! (:

can that irritating pimple pls disappear from my face right now?? argh. too many late nights and exam stress perhaps..

randomness

2006-11-23T10:14:00.000+08:00

finally meeting the girls on friday after so long!! we'll have loads of fun yea??
lessons at 11.10 and i'm up early with nothing to do so here i am with random mumblings haha
suppose to wake up to complete stats tutorial cos i fell asleep halfway doing last nite but din noe i'm actually left with one question only so got lots of time to kill now.. anyway tks to someone for always making sure i'm not late for classes, giving me morning calls (:
realise i've been slacking in studies recently.. time to buck up!
why am i always hard up on cash when its nearing the end of the month.. sigh.. got to work more and start saving alrd.. need $$$.. christmas coming..

and dear, know u're tired these few days so get more rest kae?

still counting

2006-11-19T14:44:00.000+08:00

suppose to go out with darling todae but something cropped up last minute so its cancelled. its okay i understand u will be busy for the next few days dun worry i know how to take care of myself (:

hmm.. this is bad. i'm alrd missing him thou i last saw him 6hrs ago.. cant imagine wad will happen when he go army.. yup.. got to treasure the time with him now.. sorry dear i made u angry so many times during the past 2 weeks.. once for going to work even thou i'm very very sick and have to make you come fetch me to see doctor.. another time for going home so late and last one for not being very considerate to you..

sorry...

so far u've only made me angry once. all the other times i said i'm angry i was just playing not really angry but i was really really angry bout u lying to me. a lie is not a lie only when its been exposed u know? the fact that u lied to me once means u could be lying to me bout everything including whether u love me or not.. and that thought really scares me.. i knew u went out to smoke even thou u denied and i knew that thing in ur pocket is a cigarette box and not some cassette for goodness sake. and to think u even made up one whole story about the cassette tape.. what made it worse was u actually lied to me on our first month anniversary! i was waiting for u to tell me the truth when i asked to listen to the cassette but u didnt.. that's why when i finally asked u about it i was in such a foul mood and said u can smoke all u wan but just DUN lie to me.. so that day u cooked at ur house and i saw u smoking so many times outside with ur friends i was like.. what the hell.. so i said u can smoke all u wan den u really smoke all u wan la! and that was like right after i showed u the sms my mum sent about asking u to quit smoking.. u know what i was not happy about it when i went out for a walk alone alrd and u still have to ask me.. AND.. u continue to smoke even after our walk.. at that point of time i felt like i'm so insignificant to u..

but DEAR i know u havent smoke since that day alrd and u didnt smoke when u went out with ur friends and i'm not around.. i'm REALLY REALLY proud of you! of cos i hope u're not lying to me haha no right? one week one day alrd.. u can do it yea? (:

i love you ALOT ALOT.. muackx!!

first month anniversary

2006-11-09T14:28:00.000+08:00

okay i'm still quite sick.. the flu bug looks like its staying for good. another thing. i'm getting fatter and fatter and fatter! oh no. i've decided to join tkd in some effort to work out and get back to my original size haha. darling i noe u love me alot but maybe we shud stop eating so much good food everyday.. happy 1st month yesterday btw.. forgot to tell you last nite.. and tks for the flowers (:
love you!

flu bugs in the air

2006-11-03T23:42:00.000+08:00

i know its growing cobwebs in here alrd haha
so much has happened lately but i'm too lazy to slowly type them down so u guys just need to noe serene is a happy girl now (: other than being forced to take medicine.. which taste so horrible because it dissolved in my mouth before i could swallow..
linlin! nv help me ask bout the m:industry job.. i wan to work so badly la.. no $$$ alrd.. how how how? haha

you light up my life (:

2006-10-07T02:13:00.000+08:00

i guess god read blogs too hur? haha

i thot i'll never be able to let go but i have a strong feeling this time i'm finally able to move on

rin rin

2006-10-04T01:24:00.000+08:00

i'm really bored!! haha can anyone kindly entertain me please??
lin lin sae next time want to open boutique wit me!! haha we're going into a partnership!! sounds so exciting!! and most importantly we can do wad we enjoy most haha shopping!! fashion merchandising hmm i thot that was wad she wanted to do in the first place beside event planning (:
lin dearest! lets open the shop when we're 25! haha

OHMYGOD

2006-10-02T01:05:00.000+08:00

this is freaking scary! i mean i clear my email inbox daily and i got a shock just a few minutes ago. i signed in and there's 48 unread messages. my first reaction was okae this is not my account! haha but ohmygod. its really mine. so guess wad? all from friendster haha in one single dae i have 20plus new friend requests and my profile was viewed 116 times! its freaking funny la! i really couldn't stop laughing. haha. must be the photos i uploaded last nite.. attracted too much attention.. hahaha.

echoes

2006-09-24T23:02:00.000+08:00

seriously the genting trip spoiled my tummy! ever since i reached there after every meal within an hour's time i will be screaming for TANDAS! haha i thot its because i'm not use to the food there but back in singapore still the same.. go in straight away come out dun noe if any nutrients were even absorbed..
been emo-ing or the past few days and i'm sick and tired of it! get me out of these shits please! just a little more.. i'm pretty sure i'm just one step away.. argh!!! why did he call NOW? why why why!!! everytime when i thot i've just made it, all my efforts will just go down the drain with a call or even just a sms from him.. did he even realise that i've deliberately ignored him? i've given up initiating contact with him.. but still i've yet to bring myself to not pick up his calls or not reply his sms.. when? when will he realise it and slowly fade out of my life again? i used to be so afraid of him leaving me without a word again but now that's exactly what i want, and only what i want from him. nothing else. i want no explanations, no apologies, no more lies, no amount of assurance will ever suffice again. its not that i dun trust u anymore. i promised to believe u and i still will, if that's what u want. its just that i'm beginning to not trust myself.. not trust that i can carry on anymore.. before i sink deeper and start regretting. i hate regrets.
perhaps all these are retributions.. sitting here thinking back, there was a time long ago i gave up on the possibility of finding a soul-mate and believing that maybe non-committed flings are more fun cos u dun get hurt. conclusion? both are not for me. at least for now. there's no way u wun get hurt in the game of love. even if its a fling. cos u wun noe when u will fall for that person and more than often u'll only realise when its too late.. enough for me. no meeting weird people, no nothing more than friendship with any guys till ... hmm.. when i feel like it. maybe one day when i find that there are still good guys who know how to treat girls right. so anne! rest assured i wont turn les haha. oh ya side-tracked alrd. talking about retribution right? i think i made a statement in one of the older entry like a million years ago that i wont want to commit in a relationship again and i will have fun flinging around right? dear god, i wish to retract that sentence and will you please forgive me and stop sending terrible, horrible, irritating, weird, hopeless guys to me? show me there are still good SINGLE guys out there will you? i have enough of being a third party in relationships too.. bad karma.

genting highlands

2006-09-23T23:44:00.000+08:00

right after i came back to singapore mummy's leaving! she left for indonesia.. so that means i have to take charge of the house while she's away and sis is sick got to take really good care of her. poor thing.

about my genting trip haha its fun! got sick the moment i reach there how unlucky. theme park got a new ride! first try was rather scary but after that it got boring. deepest impression came from that horrible pontianak adventure! i thought somewhere in my older entry i mentioned before NO haunted mansion kind of shits for me again? sigh.. spend money to scare myself.. the people there bloody irrtating la! they like to creep behind u and make weird sounds. scare the hell out of me. haha i cried even before entering. NO MORE such nonsense for me ever again!

i cant wait to go bankok with lin for the ULTIMATE shopping in our lives. haha gonna brings tons of $$$ and shop like a king!!! got to start my saving plan and more importantly working plan. money money come to me~

i'm having a spiltting headache now.. drank half a bottle of red wine on empty stomach that explains why.. i wish to sleep now but just cant sleep.. maybe i will just go back to watching bleach till i'm tired.. oh ya! i miss watching that stupid show in malaysia!! hahahas

will you chase after me if i choose to walk away?

ep 36

2006-09-15T01:31:00.000+08:00

mummy is so freakin irritating! haha she cook maggie mee and tempt me. so now i'm cooking my own. i'm so gonna get fat. watching bleach almost everyday. its addictive seriously. i can just sit in front of the com doing and thinking nothing. its taking ages to load so here i am blogging. super no life.
anyways, recently the craving to drink is back its been so long since i drink till i got high. but i shud refrain from drinking on my own.
anyway, back to my anime!
NOTICE:
serene will be uncontactable from 20th sept to 22nd sept.

results

2006-09-13T20:29:00.000+08:00

i'm back from chalet!! haha it was fun seriously. i really miss u people loads. friendship lost and found. okay wait, it was never lost maybe just forgotten as time went by and SOH ANNE! this time i will make extra effort to maintain this lesbianship with u alright?? haha u are my PRECIOUS~!!!

i really have no fate with wildwildwet i guess.. everytime also last minute cannot go de.. so sad.. but then leh! good news!!! u guys have to hear this!!! I PASS MY STATS!!! not just pass i actually got a freakin B! i'm happy with all other modules' grades too!! aren't u guys proud of me?? all my hard work paid off.. phew~

next sem stats methods. must work harder!!!

when all is before my eyes i chose to believe you. at first i thot just maybe if i wait long enough.. just maybe..

but as time goes by..

i'm just disappointed in you more and more..

maybe i'm about to reach the limits of my tolerance..

guys, are all jerks.

fuck out of my life!

weird day

2006-09-09T02:23:00.000+08:00

are people nowadys so bored they got nothing better to do? i couldn't even find time to check up all of my friends' friendster updates yet there are people who can go and view profiles of people they are not even connected to?? weird people. i shud consider changing the settings to limit viewers to close friends hur? budden leh on other hand i shud learn to be more sociable hur? haha i want to be those kind of people who walks and the street and seems to noe the whole world! haha alright son dun worry i will be careful while meeting strangers kaes? go crowded places and no teeny weeny chances of getting my drinks spiked la! haha are u too over-reacting or am i too heck-care? nvm.. before i go i give you that guys' contact number la.. just in case anything happens.. ah pui! nothing will happen de la..

i've just decided to be sociable!! its nice to make friends. and i mean nice ones. i think that chap seems nice enough? and one thing. are army boys seriously THAT desperate??

oh my! did i mention i met ziyang and yongjie todae while working?? and i freakin forgot its his birthday!! damn it. i'm so sorry!! shall dedicate this section to you then (:

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!

anyway i doubt he will see this haha shall wish him during chalet then. god i'm so excited bout the chalet!

last thing. did i mention i fell in love with RED? yes red. haha i always thot i will only have eyes for white. i mean i still like white but just at the moment i LOVE red. i bought red shoes red jumper red earrings red everything!! haha mummy thot i'm gonna commit suicide or something.. she's so funny.. red is sucha difficut color to match without looking like a national flag with my overflowing wardrobe of white or look too over. i got to pick up some fashion guide soon.

oh.. its late alrd.. got to get my beauty sleep le! nites people. dun sleep too late.. yawn.. y am i in such a happy mood todae? really weird..

spendings

2006-09-04T22:36:00.000+08:00

i think i'm beginning to appreciate shopping alone! why? thanks to booby bobby. pangseh me again.. so bored la and fucking pissed off so went jalan jalan and in the end? spend all the cash i had in my wallet which is like $80 plus la! but den leh i kinda love all the things i bought todae (:
shall take pretty photos of them another dae kaes??
anyway this is the photos taken on the dae i went to eat genki sushi. was playing pool with son while waiting in hunger.. just kidding! (:

i'm getting better at it okaes?? haha i did win him a few times (:
and then there's this freakin funny photo! promise u wun laugh okaes??

this is how serene looks like with afrohead!
hahaha not bad hur?

and people this is cheryl! believe me. its really her! haha dun kill me cher (:
kaekae i'm gonna pack my cupboard now.. finally.. haha make room for more new clothes!! x)

ITALY

2006-09-03T15:15:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry ppl.. the previous post seems a little worrying yea? i was having a headache.. probably that was exactly y i felt so confused? and i guess i just cant take it anymore.. i finally cleared things out with him..

did things change for the better or for the worse i dun noe but since i said i will believe u i will.

no questions abt that.

for a moment when he didnt reply my msges, i was so afraid that's the end.

and i thot i was prepared for the consequences but i guess i'm not and never will be..

that's right. love is blind. if its not its probably not love then..

i trust and love you.. dun lie to me alrights??

i lost the game

2006-09-02T10:30:00.000+08:00

the fact is i didnt go to sleep last nite.. i smsed my darling pc and asked her something which i alrd knew.. tks darl.. i guess i just need some "encouragement" before i finally did it.

haha now i'm wondering if i did the right thing.. cos the ending wasnt wad i was expecting.. i ended up being the one saying sorry and now i'm even more confused abt our status than ever before..

please.. reply my msges will u? dun leave me hanging there.. i can barely hold on any longer..

if u sae so den i'll believe you.. i noe i'm stupid but i can really ignore everything. everything before me as long as u can give me assurance..

did i just destroyed everything that i've built over the past 2 mths?..

its an overwhelming sense of lost.. yes. i'm very lost now.. wad am i suppose to do? wad is it that u wan me to do? or will u just disappear on me again?

very likely..

kids central live

2006-09-01T23:01:00.000+08:00

i cant believe i worked for kids central for one dae! haha i seriously have no childhood la.. dun noe half the cartoons character there.. anyway although its damn tiring, i had lots of fun! love working there (:
kids can really be an angel sometimes and a devil the next! oh my.. i have had enuff of kids for the dae.. and i guess cheryl have had enuff of balloons too! haha
anyway the shirt says supersize action crew and its really supersize la! the shirt is so enormous..
and tks fangsheng! u're such a sweetie! opps. haha.
tks shilong and cheryl for the job! though its only for a dae i really enjoyed myself (:

off to bed! headache is killing me..

rest

2006-08-31T23:29:00.000+08:00

just back from chalet and i'm having fever right now.. face burning red.. and headache.. yawn.. severely lack of sleep and cos i've been drinking and eating bbq food.. tsk.. so unhealthy.. haha anyway was quite fun.

shud i go krunk tml? i miss him.. i really do..

busy little fat woman

2006-08-27T13:54:00.000+08:00

okae after gone missing for so long lets try to update u guys on wad have i been doing after exams! (:
right after the last paper (accounting) i went marina south with a bunch of classmates to eat steamboat haha. eat until so full luh! met charles on the train home.
getting fatter, and u will know why later.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
two daes after the steamboat went to eat genki sushi at marina square with son, xx and sw. he paid cos he owe me a sakae treat but since he prefer genki of cos i would galdly take it haha. the food there's not bad!! really. the unagi is really "ohhh.. so heavenly" with actions. haha din eat alot but enough for me to get fatter and burn a big hole in his wallet. thanks for the treat! and i'm addicted to pool! one dae i will thrash you! (:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the very next dae which is yesterdae, i met junsheng and had tea with him hahaha as in really tea! we went to din tai feng to eat cos that poor guy haven had lunch yet. he chose the place not me. although i really want to eat the xiao long bao there haha. and yup that's wad we ate! yum yum.. cravings satisfied! he refuse to take my money again.. anyway the meet up was super last minute with him nudging me in msn at 3 am asking if i'm dead yet and chatted till 5am and then i still have to wake up at 10am to wake that pig up. that's the prob with impromtu meet ups. u have no idea where the hell to go! haha in the end he drove me around in his "very safe" volvo and showed me his workplace before dropping me off to meet yinghui.
had dinner "again" with yinghui at swensens and we ordered chicken baked rice, calamari and topless 5! haha so so FULL la! after dinner we went to esplanade to watch the performance at the waterfront. that guy's singing not bad huh. haha ITALY! "only we noe" (:
met huida and zhongyuan on the train home.
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monday and tuesday will be having class chalet and bbq! going wild wild wet on tues!
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12th, 13th, 14th sept will be 4I's chalet! cant wait to catch up with old friends!
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17th, 18th, 19th will be going genting! super excited. its not my first trip to genting actually but excited becos this time i'm only going with a bunch of friends! haha cant believe mummy agreed thou she's nagging alot about safety and stuffs haha. wad best is she's paying for my expenses! i was tinking of using my meagre salary but since she volunteered hehheh.. i miss the THEME PARK!! haha. will be doing tonnes of shopping at JB too. really cant wait! (:
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coming up is another 3 more chalet, one by jerry for his bdae, one by shilong for his bdae and one by linlin and her friends! my whole holiday's conked out!! haha be prepared to get some serious scolding from mummy and daddy for treating my house like some hotel soon.

mugger

2006-08-16T17:53:00.000+08:00

marketing paper's tml! *screams*

econs paper the day after tml! *even more screams*

haha actually stats is the killer for me.. still have 4 days after econs to pia stats.. tink i'm not touching accounts during the 4 daes le.. stats all the way!! oh my..

liberty on 23rd august! haha planning loads of stuffs alrd..

three chalets! mummy's so gonna scream at me. x)

the rest of the holiday most probably will be spent sleeping, working, shopping, catching up with old friends and packing my oh so horrible looking room. everything's just everywhere. sigh.. will take a looooooong loooooooong time to clear..

i need to go have a full body check up soon i tink. my health's failing me..

correction!

OMG! its not 4 days i got it wrong! i only have 2 fucking days to cram stats into my puny brains!! i'm so dead.. and i'm so having headaches now.. result of studying marketing for 6hrs.. my brain's saturated alrd.. and its screaming for HELP~

shit. i'm so not behaving normally now i tink STRESS just got me.

-peace out-

a lil bit more time

2006-08-16T03:06:00.000+08:00

time out! study study study.

i think that's enuff for me to give up alrd.

a gemini will always be a gemini.

serious i'm amazed at my own resourcefulness haha. AMAZING!

i noe MORE than u tink i noe.

seriously i'm not dumb. u play ur game and i play mine.

he's not my romeo cos i'm never his juliet..

shopping (:

2006-08-15T00:51:00.000+08:00

okae actually din buy lots of stuffs but so many things on my shopping list till i can die la! haha strictly speaking only rave is shopping like mad la.. buy and buy and buy still got three girls accompany him around.. but i really enjoyed myself todae la i miss hanging out with u!! more outing please!! haha opps. i shud be studying todae but y did i end up shopping =x

ate at this cafe in bugis. the steak is quite good, in fact i love the sauce alot more than jack's place. yupyup. i'm actually interested in the chicken baked rice more. next time go try (:

$$$ please! i want to buy so many things!!

fallen sick

2006-08-10T16:32:00.000+08:00

I PASS MY STATS! haha 21/25 not too bad huh? so happy!

alright i need to go and sleep. eyeballs burning shivering in the cold nose running wad else? i'm really sick now.. just want to shout that i passed my stats!! haha in case i wake up later and start thinking its only a dream.. take care people! the flu virus is rampaging!

how i wish he's here for me now..

drama lady

2006-08-06T00:15:00.000+08:00

yea todae has been a little bit of a drama-packed day. actually half the day. slacking till late afternoon before asking yinghui to go esplanade watch fireworks with me.. had dinner at this new hongkong cafe at marina square.. hmm.. the food is.. alright la..

thanks hui for lending me ur jacket. u're really the perfect boyfriend material! y are u not a guy...

den went to find a place with a good view of the fireworks. i love fireworks. it just leave u sitting there like a little child, amazed all the while. perhaps its becos i covet for this kind of things. a split second of brilliance and its gone. leaves u wanting more.. but no matter how much u want them to last forever u know its never possible. just like love. and never never try to hold on to them cos u will only end up hurt. y not just learn to enjoy it when its still there and not worry bout the inevitable fact that they wont last? at least when they're gone u noe u've seen its true beauty and enjoyed every second of it. cos at the very end i can still reminisce bout the breathtaking moments imprinted deep in my memory. and of cos wishing for a even better one to come in future.

hey people explosions are not made to destroy and destruct only kae?!

i just had a funny little thought haha but nvm i shall finalise the idea when i have time probably during the september hols (:

anyway back to the drama. on the wy home in the train there's this little boy who refuses to sit next to his mother despite her depleting all tatics including coaxing, threatening, scolding, dragging and wadever horrible stories of black man going to take him away if he doesn't sit down. yup stubborn little boy. i'm so afraid he will fall cos he's not balancing very well. so nice me gave up my seat and try getting him to sit down. all attempts failed and everybody in the trian was looking at the mother and son.

want to know wad eventually did the trick? police car! haha the mum said there's a police car outside on the road and the boy happily jumped on the seat. i'm pretty sure i dun want to have kids next time haha.

to end off my drama day i forgot to bring my keys. and nobody's at home! had to sit outside the house staring into space until mummy finally came home and save the day. got into the house at exactly 12 midnight.

cutie pie

2006-08-04T22:38:00.000+08:00

its weird. i have tons of craps to post when i'm feeling lousy but none when i'm happy! haha guess i shud update more of my happy stuffs if not this place will become a cemetry soon (:

right overall i'm happy although my stomach's still unwell.. yea, i shit right after i eat. wonder if any nutrients was even absorbed. frequent headache little flu and my period's not here yet! wth. its not as if i really want it to come.. its so umcomfortable and everything but one month plus le leh! i can't help but think maybe something's wrong with me.. maybe i'm too stressed up..

talking about stress.. oh gosh.. exams!! please give me full marks for accounts again to perfect my record and yea just let me pass stats and i'll be happy enough.. econs and marketing need to study harder.. arrgh.. the headache is back! i shud just stop thinking about studies for a while.. hmm lets take a break and see what can i plan for my holidays then haha. work work and work for the money for one month? save some money den the remaining half month can spend the rest (: by then i shud be able to come up with a whole new list of wishlist haha and handphone will be first on the list! start keeping a lookout for nice phones alrd (:

failed attempt yesterdae again but nvm try again next time. one dae i will succeed! haha althou i failed yesterdae i'm still so happy cos of some nitty gritty stuffs cos they let me know u cared (:

and ohmygoodness! u're so bloody cute!! the way my sis describe u is like hilarious haha

alright enuff of retardation lets get back to my speech.. sigh..

starbucks

2006-08-02T00:38:00.000+08:00

coffee coffee..
its been so long since i touched u..
i love ur smell..
i love ur taste..
but in exchange i've to endure sleepless nights..
and tummy aches..
not to mention bad breath..
yellow teeth..
and eye bags..
above all, i still cant give u up..

there was once i'm addicted to coffee like i'm addicted to chocs but then was becos i've got no choice. this magical liquid helped me thru boring lessons when i was so deprived of sleep. but now i'm drinking it cos i fell in love with it.

no matter how hard i try, i'm still a woman.. i need some assurance now and then too..

over-sensitive

2006-07-30T23:32:00.000+08:00

thanks to everybody who's concern about me (:

dun worry "bubbly" serene will be back! haha in fact i tink she's back. minus the fact that exam's coming and she's not prepared yet. a load off my mind finally! haha

sandy gurl, if u need my help again just come to me alright? it's nice catching up with u and i really enjoyed it. i noe my bed's just so comfortable haha everybody who comes over to stay says so! hahaha no wonder i sleep so much. dearest linlin, i really miss u alot! thurs lets go BKing! budget budget a little haha carls another day kae?

yinghui i miss u too! lets see.. lets meet up to go out soon. but i guess u're busy with A's? contact me when u're free yea? i promise i'll reply this time haha

before i end today's post, i would like to thank this person who helped me alot. haha u noe who u're yea?

$$$

2006-07-26T23:51:00.000+08:00

finally made some changes to my wishlist (:
but i'm officially broke..
no more shopping for 1 mth..
need to continue working..
and save money..
things aren't going smoothly for me but still hanging on..
is it stress or wad? my stomach doesn't feel too well..
feeling shitty now.. just tell me its pms.
i wish i could break free from all these shits..
i'm currently down now so yah, dun tell me any of ur probs now.. i couldn't even handle mine.. just let me rest a few days.. probably until my worries are gone..

reading

2006-07-24T02:14:00.000+08:00

my heart skipped a beat when the orange light blinked. a sigh of relief when its the answer i would want to receive. but still insecurity engulfs me. i noe nuts bout ur life. i noe nuts wads on ur mind. i noe nuts wad i want!

wads more, my life's in a total mess. in debts but i dun care. i seriously need to indulge in retail therapy. hafen start studying yet. but i will start. soon.

i've read it once and i'm reading it again.

ps, i love you..

if only i could find someone like gerry. a perfect husband, friend and soulmate. i wouldn't mind if it wouldn't last long. cos at least i know i've been loved by someone so dear. but these kinda things only happen in books and never in reality. sad fact of life.

chocolate overload

2006-07-22T00:29:00.000+08:00

on the menu tonight:

milo dino
belgium chocolate
cookies & chocolate
chocolate rice
oreo crunch
chocolate fudge

this amount of chocolate and craps does lift my spirits a little..
tonight, i'm about to lose two "person" i would never have wanted to part with. in fact i've alrd lost one. well, bagua may not have qualified as person but still for two years he has been a great companion. though at times i might have neglected him but i'm so gonna miss his presence. rest in peace darling. to tink i've just eaten a piece of bagua this evening. maybe its an indication god is giving me before i hear the news. another one, a real person. not yet but soon. its not like he's gonna die soon but in a sense yes. in my heart. tml night is the final decision day. the decision lies in him though, not me. but no matter wads the decision, its still worth celebrating haha. life still goes on.. right? right.
but to say i'm not sad wou;ld be a lie. the biggest lie. i thot things have got better. but again a simple question with no reply only indicate something. maybe i shud just learn not to ask any questions.
i need to shift my focus to studies for now. and of cos money haha.

friends

2006-07-18T14:28:00.000+08:00

heh. i just pushed away work which equals to money! amazing. and i went jogging last nite! amazing again. i'm so out of sort recently. haha i miss linlin! meeting her later so wasting time here. lalala.. oh ya. heard bout esther from lin.. i dun really noe wad happen but still i just wan u to be happy alright? both of u gurls.
its about to rain soon.. the wind feels so nice now.. i ought to be studying.. yea. i will when i get home later.. enough abt schoolwork. i hafen gone out for so long alrd! been avoiding all social functions cos i'm so tight on budget. lets hope next month will be better. i really need to enjoy myself a lil. shopping! dining! movie-ing! pool-ing! and lets not forget sakae-ing with my two dearest. next month die die must go eat kaes? cravings..

disappointment

2006-07-16T22:46:00.000+08:00

hahaha how great. i've just successfully made myself seem like a total slut. just that i'm not celebrating. so this is wad u think of me? if it is, tell me straight. i wouldn't have cheapen myself for you.
i rather believe wad vee said in the tagboard will come true.

stayoverers

2006-07-15T23:14:00.000+08:00

ima good girl today! was at home the whole day and i even did some household chores haha. and guess wad? jielin and shilong they are just behind me right now. interesting? haha becos of some reasons they are cramming over at my house tonight. its been so long since anybody crammed over at my house cos its always me cramming over at other people's house haha.
ouch. i have a blueblack on my leg! and i dun noe where it comes from! like again. at least this time its much much smaller haha not like the one on my arm the other time which is huge! and i'm suddenly reminded of somebody.. hey! where the hell u disappear to? u said u'll be back! to win me at least once rite? hee..

sorry

2006-07-15T02:41:00.000+08:00

alright. i think i've had enough of the rebellious girl role alrd. mummy's seriously pissed off with me and i just got a scolding from mum. its not like i went clubbing or wad, i just went to eat prata luh. but i noe its wrong of me to return home at 2am. no more late nights outings or staying over until further notice. which wont be in the near future.

u said u'll call back later. as usual. should i wait? its 2.45am now. will u really call back? nvm. meanwhile i'll just get on with my studying.

FAD.
assure me u're not this kind of person.
i'll be utterly disappointed.
get well soon...

macroeconomics

2006-07-12T22:41:00.000+08:00

my love for econs has just taken a plunge. NO WAY am i going to let the MATHS incident happen again. i love econs. becos the person who introduced it to me abt a year ago made the subject so interesting and easy to understand. as much as the whole class hates her, i must say Mrs Wendy Ng is a good econs teacher, beside her constant naggings and sudden outburst of "need" to scold people, she teach well. at least a lazy person like me who always dun hand in work on time (but i'll still do in the end) can score. econs lecture in poly suck to the core. the time is so constrained, how u expect people to understand effectively? not to mention the fact that the spongeboobssquareface doesn't know how to teach. okae i'm being such a super duper meanie now. yea, i'm not exactly in the best of my moods now, in fact the whole dae. time check 11pm. another hour to go. let this dae be over soon and let tml be a better dae. perhaps i should just continue sleeping till midnight before i start studying again. he should just piss me off more. then i will find the motivation to study. reverse psychology.

bookworm days

2006-07-11T22:50:00.000+08:00

i'm finally on my first step to getting that perfect body i want! haha after missing M.I's PE for so long i'm finally moving my fat ass and doing some 5BX. give me a month and i will show anyone my toned abs. hahahaha. exercising really does release the feel good endorphins (: i really miss the suckiest PE in M.I loads. perspiration dripping like tap water, cursing whoever is conducting PE under my breath, having much difficulties walking up and down the many stairs of M.I the very next dae bcos of muscles aches. but aside from all these sufferings i seriously have to agree PE in MI for one whole year really toned up my body. why? haha cos the food totally suck u dun feel like eating anything so u can diet while exercising. how cool.

now i can only depend on myself to start getting those "muscles" in shape. contemplating joining tkd cos shilong is trying so hard to persuade me? haha after exam we shall see. i'm more interested to learn unarmed combat from vee thou. haha VEE start the club! =x

alright now i'm feeling so energized and happy cos he replied, i'm gonna start doing my econs tutorial (:

and from tml onwards its gonna be mugging mugging and mugging till exam!!!

once more

2006-07-11T10:31:00.000+08:00

If it's lovin that you want:

I wanna let you know
That you don't have to go
Don't wonder no more
What I think about you

If it's loving that you want you should make me your girl, your girl
If it's loving that you need
Then baby come and share my world, share my world
If it's loving that you want
Then come and take a walk with me, walk with me
'Coz everything that you need
I got it right here baby, baby

Now it's obvious to need a friend to come hold you down
Be that one you share your everything when no one's around
Baby come tell me your secret things, and tell me all your dreams
'Coz I can see you need someone to trust
You can trust in me

Di di di di di-da di di di-da di-dey
So just call me whenever your lonely
Di di di di di-da di di di-da di-dey
I'll be your friend, I can be your homie

It's been so long I've had this feeling
That we could be
Everything we've ever wanted baby
Your fantasy
I won't push too hard or break your heart
'Coz my love's sincere
I'm not like any other girl you know
So let me erase your fears

Di di di di di-da di di di-da di-dey
So just call me whenever your lonely
Di di di di di-da di di di-da di-dey
I'll be your friend, I can be your homie

If it's loving that you want
Then you should make me your girl, make me your girl baby
If it's loving that you need (baby)
Then baby come and share my world, share my world (I got what you need so come share my world)
If it's loving that you want (o-ooh)
Then come and take a walk with me, walk with me
'Coz everything that you need
I got it right here baby, baby (oh-ooh oh-ooh)

Di di di di di-da di di di-da di-dey
So just call me whenever your lonely
Di di di di di-da di di di-da di-dey
I'll be your friend, I can be your homie

I wanna let you know
That you don't have to go
Don't wonder no more
What I think about you

What I think about you boy-oy
I got what you need so come share my world oh-ooh

this song totally explained everything i wanted to sae. i dun noe how long this no status relationship can last but i'm willing to try again cos i dun want to regret it like the previous time, when i failed so miserably. and if it still doesn't work i hope i will be able to get over this crazy infatuation for u which lasted almost 3 years and move on. just one last try.

happy belated birthday veegina!! 24 candles and still counting.. (:

sleepyhead

2006-07-09T16:22:00.000+08:00

yawn.. work's cancelled.. yup cos its freakin raining heavily now. apart from less income this week i'm actually quite happy abt it haha i'm in the lazy mood right now. yawn.. went to the market this morn to visit grandmama (: and as usual it turns out to be arm muscles training dae for me esp since korkor doesn't want to go with me.. had to carry two truckloads full of grocery home cos grandmama insisted. haha practically dragged it home. is so damn heavy even the plastic bag almost cut my palm. just imagine. i miss grandmama so much! haha bought egg tarts for her thou cos its my favourite kind of egg tart haha. yawn.. wad am i doing here? i shud be making full use of time to catch up on my studying!! sigh. i noe nuts bout stats.. guess i will jus bring it over to jelly's house and ask her later. yawn.. argh! my hair is getting long and irritating! shud i cut it again?? nah dun tink so. whenever i cut my hair it just turn out to be a big mistake. and i'm seriously not in the mood to brood over my hair during exam period. just bear with it. yawn.. wad a lazy afternoon. everybody's sleeping except ling cos she's playing maple and me here blogging. shit. if i break news to mum and dad that i'm going out and not coming home tonite they probably will start screaming at my face? haha. but i've been a really good girl these few weeks. yawn.. not really in the mood to drink todae so i guess i'll just stick to doing my stats. hee. sompa. lin, cheer up alrights? i love u loads. and yawn.. i'm so tired.

me day

2006-07-08T11:58:00.000+08:00

oh finally its the weekends!! finally able to afford some time for myself.. to just slack and maybe catch up on some reading.. haha its been ages since i read any books. comics especially.

yesterdae was talking to vee and he gave me some really good prospects and advice on being an accountant haha i guess i din choose the wrong course afterall (:

wad i really need to do is make sure i get my masters and by 40 i can happily retire and fulfil my dream of touring the world with someone special. haha.

i still miss him. haha when was i ever not missing him hur? nvm. hopefully can get to see him on sundaaay!! heh.

smiles

2006-07-04T23:07:00.000+08:00

i'm a happy girl todae! hee..
its a secret.
is the moon blue todae?

anyway thanks vee, justin and shilong for morning calls haha three people calling me how can i ever be late for lessons again?? heh.
and thanks once again for the morning coffee (:

although ur answer isnt wad i would have preferred but still,
i'm happy.
i cant stop smiling to myself.
i look like a retard now.
haha.

my escape

2006-07-03T22:13:00.000+08:00

freakin late for lesson todae thou it starts at 1pm. haha it wasn't on purpose. will try harder tml to be early. but considering the amount of work left undone and untouched i dun tink i will sleep. i dun feel like sleeping anyway. going to take a nice bath later and go out and get some really strong coffee to see me thru the night. everyone just do me a favour and dun mention anything about my already so horrible eye bags. do the vainpot this last favour. its just so amazing. i can like space out anytime anywhere. haha. i like it when my mind goes blank even for that few minutes.

this particular time i really crave for alcohol. waiting for AA meeting.. i just want to get pissed drunk and have a good nite sleep finally. just let me be.

how i wish the same coincidence will happen again this sunday..

i'm so hungry now. yea again.

i miss my fling fling.

probably seeking comfort in him.

u wun mind would u?

be my escape..

what hurts the most

2006-07-03T00:39:00.000+08:00

fuck la. msn sucks. argh. i cant sign in!
u noe wad, people? working is the solution to all my problems currently. financially and emotionally. of cos not physically. i'm dead beat. i need money super badly. i might just have to survive on bread and water by the end of the month. guys, get ready rationings for me pls. u nice people out there wont bear to see me suffer rite? hahah. and then working the whole dae todae manage to keep my mind off him. like totally. haha but leh.. now slacking at home.. sigh.. i seriously wonder to myself. how come he have such a strong influence to me. i'm so bothered about his everything. he's really my nemesis. like i sae, i cant even think of a single good thing about him. his attitute nah. his character nah. his time management nah. perhaps the only thing is he's my eye candy and my first and biggest crush. but why?! why am i so attracted to him?? crush. re-crush. re-re-crush re-re-re-crush. i've forgotten how many times. it's just HIM. its like.. its like just receiving his sms can really make me feel on top of the world. just that always and i mean ALWAYS, it doesn't last for more than 15 mins before i plunge to hell again. it always happen that i'm so used to it. am i just so not important at all? is it just ME or is it everybody? i really want to noe.. u always appear suddenly and turn my world topsy turvy. i dun mind it at all wad i mind is the mess i'm left with after u decided to leave as suddenly as u come. it takes time for me to get used to life when u dun exist. and when i finally succeed, i wun noe when u will suddenly appear again like u always do. SUDDENLY. haha. n i thot i am able to not expect anything from u. but its alright. i wun demand anything from u. i mean last time when i'm ur girlfriend (am i even considered one to u?) i couldn't even ask that much from u what worse now when i'm just nobody. right? and also perhaps i've noe u better this time. u hate it when people restricts u, denying u of freedom. u have ur own way of life and u are not going to change it for anybody. or maybe the person worthy of ur change just hafen come yet. therefore i am not going to expect anything from u. nothing. nothing at all. when u are free and feel like it just drop me a sms and make me happy for that few minutes and i will be satisfied. this is the perfect epitome of how foolish and stupid a woman can be. its just u. just u..
and i sound like a stupid old bitch bitching here.. sigh.. anyway, this is purely me bitching away to make myself feel better so please if anybody noe him dun tell him a shit i said alright. i dun want him to avoid me. haha.

waiting for the day u mean nothing to me as well..

first day of july

2006-07-01T23:48:00.000+08:00

how am i to survive?!

GOH LIN LIN! tell me about late. who's late todae hur?! irritating! message u tell me at toa payoh alrd.. 15 mins later call u still at novena. u tink i'm that dumb ar.. its only one station away lor.. pls tink of a better excuse next time. i'm not mad at u being late i'm mad at ur lousy no. lousiest excuse.

make me wait for 45 mins. u stylo. sigh.. in just 45 mins i'm mistaken as a malay twice.. TWICE for goodness sake. do i really look like one? the first one was this guy from the model agency.. ask me to give name and contact no. sae they need non-chinese now and my face went " EXCUSE ME!" i'm chinese. look at his shock face man. haha and then another malay guy ask me to donate money sae i look malay. okae fine.

fish n co. and adidas jacket. hui, hope u like it (:

i'm too tired todae. sorry if i bore u haha but i noe u wun mind hee.

TIRED TIRED TIRED. well hope that lavender eye pillow thingy works. oh ya lin, i found it alrd so its okae (: dun have to help me find. haha. and i given up on the red zara pants. after wad hui said.... "hooter's uniform" haha i dun wan to look like them!!

and thanks junhao for calling to remind me of ur burfdae which is million years away.. haha. i really appreciate it. and u noe wad?! i just realise a few weeks ago u save ur birthday in my fone calendar as "handsome birthdae". for a few minutes i'm like thinking who the hell is this.. hahahaha so bu yao lian.. hahaha..

night of waiting

2006-07-01T02:01:00.000+08:00

history is repeating itself once again. nothing changed. here i am unable to sleep. anyway, HAPPY 18th BURFDAE to meiling! heh. finally legal.

resolution

2006-06-30T17:16:00.000+08:00

YING HUI!!! HAPPY BURFDAY!!!

and good luck for everybody's mid-year exam :)

YIKES! got full marks for accounting. sigh. too bad it doesn't offset the lousy marks i got for stats. ya, before i forget, i really need to thank my "tall, dark and handsome" vee for being such a nice guy. u've been a great help!

time to get my butt moving and start studying! no way am i gonna fail any modules again! aiya. i need to poo. update another time! heh.

alright i'm back to update.

tell me which design is nicer. haha. dun noe why but i've got a fetish for dragons.

GSS

2006-06-29T22:48:00.000+08:00

i want to shop! very badly! haha GREAT SINGAPORE SALE! its so tempting. there's so many things i want if i list it all out it will just reach the floor. i need money. i want money. NOW! haha. maybe becos speech is finally over feel so much more relaxed alrd so couldn't stop shopping. chilling at tcc todae and guess wad? service in singapore really need improvements. just becos we're wearing formal we receive better than usual treatment? tsk tsk.

malay guys are just SO CUTE! haha after so long my infatuation for malay guys are back! after farkhan my eye candy! haha saw this super hottie malay guy todae. he came out of the lift and the very first thing i saw was his super duper big eyes. Ohmygosh. he's so cute. haha that's not all. on my way home just now there's another hottie in the train! he's wearing this red versace shirt and he look damn good in it haha. alright. becos of him i've decided to get that zara red pants even if it means starving for a few daes!! haha. just finding excuse for myself to indulge.

call me materialistic. (:

bloody hell

2006-06-27T21:39:00.000+08:00

woke up late todae was rushing rushing and rushing. when walking to the mrt station pass by the taxi stand and just nice came a taxi. din tink much, got in. BLOODY HELL! stuck in a jam and ended up later than if i took the train and have to pay BLOODY $9 to get to NYP which is BLOODY 3 stations away from sembawang luh! stupid decision of mine. if only i read my horoscope todae beforehand. it says: In the morning, keep your wallet close to your person -- smart decisions are thrifty ones. what the hell.
fuck. statistics is what maths is like to me. i'm so dead. i thot maths was history for me but it's still BLOODY haunting me! i need to BARK UP! if there's such a thing called mathophobia i'm certain i have it bad. i'm mathophobic! HELP! :(
i'm so fucking stress now! and its pretty evident cos all my BLOODY vulgarities are coming out. argh.
alright. feel much better now.

i'm easily satisfied. i'm not expecting anything at all and i am really satisfied like this. there's just something about him that attracts me. over and over again. maybe becos he's so out of my reach that's why i cant let it go. but i believe its a different thing if i actually gets him. haha such a bitch right? i yearn for things i cant get. and when i gets it i dun treasure it. that's me.

horray

2006-06-25T02:08:00.000+08:00

finally i got my laptop! haha people! expect to see me online more often. ((:

this baby is superb. daps came but couldn't get the wireless signal but this baby found quite a good range! its duo processor so its suppose to be very fast but i dun play games so no chance to find out. well, i wanted to be a good girl and help daddy save some money by getting the solo processor but its simply to big and heavy. yup so conclusion i'm still a good daughter.

next target. new handphone.

but this one i have to pay on my own. must be independent. time to save up!

lastly, thanks dad. i love u ((:

chanced encounter

2006-06-23T23:46:00.000+08:00

pure coincidence. ohmygod. guess who i met last nite?! haha was suppose to get to jelly's house but in the end as usual, no sense of direction. and at this moment my saviour came! haha he's still freakin thin la! must eat some more. and then he was super nice to walk me to jelly's house (: in the end he live rather nearby so went over to watch world cup.

23/06/06

a date to be remembered.

*promise*

beer dae

2006-06-22T03:27:00.000+08:00

i might have nightmares of beer bellys haha. argh! i shud be sleeping but i cant sleep! and bloody msn is not working! i'm so pissed. i dun noe wads happening but there's so many sad people around me now.. i seem to be the only hyper person around la. its getting tiring.. cheer up everybody! or i'm gonna join u guys soon.. the depression alliance?

anyway i had a fun dae todae! haha i won two games! wad have u got to sae hurhur? its not just plain lucky okae? haha i'll be waiting! my craving is back. i need to drink! beer doesn't satisfy anymore haha. free drinks tml! hee.

argh. i'm stressed! i hafen done a shit on my speech. help!! i need to study. badly. give me some determination will ya badri? ... "being such a good girl" (underneath your clothes-laundry service). my life need some planning. seriously. "xin fu de li you" (forever love). i'm being super random now listening to songs. i'm so bored! maybe i'm tired. i cant really tink straight now. i shud go sleep. yah. i shud. go bathe first. yah. nites.

what are friends for?

2006-06-21T00:31:00.000+08:00

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
Words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me that you'll always be this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever baby
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
Now its hard for me with my heart still on the mend
Open up to me, like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it's harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Make me say anything; just to get you back again
Why can we just try
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise, what if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
I don't wanna be lonely anymore...

chien, there's so many things i'm not aware of. i hafen been a good friend. i wasn't there for u when u needed someone. i noe wad i sae now isn't gonna help anything but i will be here for u now and forever anytime u need company. just want u to noe i'm interested in ur life. not just the glamour and fun i wan to share ur sorrows and unhappiness too. tell me kae? *huggs*

i want to see him again!

2006-06-18T00:30:00.000+08:00

its blur but trust me. he's totally cute!

my dearest lin. (her right my left)

4 hornies and 1 pervert.

left to right: brook, sam, tom, robert!, matthew!

retired

2006-06-17T00:09:00.000+08:00

MATTHEW IS SO CUTE! ROBERT IS SO HOT!

heh. ultimate hunking experience ever!

sun burnt! burning sensation everywhere and i look like red lobster.. but its all worth it! ohmygosh. feasted my eyes on cute caucasians. we practically stared at them all the time until they came and talk to us. haha he's bloody cute la! and for once i totally dun mind being a bimbo. ask to take photos with them! haha upload the photo another time (:

i noe u guys are disappointed. in fact everybody are. wads happening..

I WANT TO WORK!! argh.. i need money. i want to keep myself busy. i dun wan to stay at home. i dun wan to go out. cos no money. I DUN NOE WAD I WANT!! i dun want anything or anybody anymore! i dun want. nothing and nobody in this world is dependable. independent woman only needs money. i am one independent woman. I NEED MONEY!

fairy godmother, please make my pimple disappear! sun tanning is so not good for skin. late nights too. i'm gonna sleep 10 hours a day from now on. no late nights activities anymore! lin~ lets save up! i want to get that tatoo asap! haha. vanessa and yinghui dearest! thanks for the pretty ripcurl pullover. i love it loads. its so special not just becos its not available in s'pore nor becos its from perth but its becos its from u two! love ya! i miss u! got to save up and visit u in perth soon! save up? hmmm.. gonna take ages.. immediate solution? GIVE ME A RICH BOYFREIND! hahaha.

guess wad? i just saw edwin's display pic. and he's still as shuai as ever! haha i hate pretty boys! i tink he's attached alrd. haha my eye candy forever. shhh.. dun tell him.

i want BEN&JERRY ice cream! i want popiah! i want prata!

sugar rush

2006-06-15T08:20:00.000+08:00

i just feel like smiling (:

had a really nice dae out yesterday! right? right.

haha spent quite a bit on shopping. (belt, shorts, undies!) once in a while indulgence heh. alright. actually it wasn't the shopping which made me so happy. instead its the company i'm with. well, they are from different grp of my friend circle but at least i din feel weird abt it. haha we're just too friendly right? right.

food! went to eat curry chicken rice at far east. haha still taste as nice. yum yum. its nice right? right. den went kino read books. yea books. haha 3 bookworms with a stack of books. haha. U! dun deny i noe u're so engross reading away too. hee. its interesting right? right. woah. after 18 years and u finally realise u're not a gemini but a taurus? haha interesting.
u noe wad? u made my dae yesterday. really. haha its nice hanging out with u. but definitely not bcos u keep paying for everything. i feel bad alright? i owe u a big big treat!

and before i forget. i went into the house of condom last nite! haha actually nothing much inside hur? the karmasutra book looks more interesting tha that haha and i noe is u want to go in de lor. still drag me along haha.
and thanks for sending me home. its very much appreciated. VERY.
if only u are half as nice to ur girlfriends right? right. perfect friend lousy lover.
WAKE UP lazy pig. i give up calling alrd.
the sun's good! wahaha. i'm going sun tanning now!! okae. got to go prepare alrd if not i will be late! :))

traduttore

2006-06-14T02:46:00.000+08:00

in ogni modo decisamente sono annoiato. così ho deciso giocare un altro trucco! non ha saputo che ci è tanta gente annoiata intorno. soltanto il mio slut più caro risolverà questa destra?

ho fatto la mia scelta. non mi preoccuperò per le conseguenze più. lascilo essere egoista una volta di più. anche se significa ottenere hurt.

give me time

2006-06-12T23:15:00.000+08:00

its the start of term break! haha. sleeping like nobody's business. totally lost track of date and time luh. slept thru the whole of saturday. din even realise my body was actually so sleep deprived to that extend. the house feels so empty and quiet. normally i would get so bored and cant wait to get out of the house but i suddenly enjoy the peace. its just one of the rare time i actually enjoy solitude. thinking a lot. new perspective to life. life's full of uncertainties who noes i might just drop dead the next moment? i hafen had anyone dearest to me leave me yet so i dun really noe how it feels but i'm pretty sure the pain is hundred times more than wad i imagined. althou i dun really noe her i still wish to express my utmost respect to her and may u rest in peace..
life's short, live it. i bet nobody wants to leave this world with regrets right? there's so many things i want to do to see to experience. probably that's where the gemini characteristic shine thru. anything new and exciting makes my heart beat. i want to see the world, every part of it. quite impossible thou. unless i hook up a flithy rich husband haha. interested applicants pls contact me! must be pleasant looking thou. minimum requirements still apply. (:

contradictory

2006-06-11T02:21:00.000+08:00

am i a better girl now? i've been sticking to my 10 commandments as much as i can. broken a few thou. went one big round just to use the traffic light when there's no cars on the road AT ALL and damn i look like a idiot waiting for mr green to appear before stepping out on the road. still i dun find i'm becoming a better person. daddy's not very happy with me i noe. i've been such a disappointment. even i am disappointed in myself. i yearn for the peaceful life back then in MI with my SALE with bobby with alex with benben. haha now i really feel like slapping myself. i had a peaceful life back then but i yearn for the exciting life of poly. humans are just never satisfied. the grass is always greener on the other side? how true.

tell me wad to do to feel better now. can anyone make me feel important? appreciated? loved? shudn't expect more i noe. knew it from the start. wad have i got myself into?

chien and lin, tks for being concerned. its just a period of self-denial stage and i hope it will pass soon. haha someone just made my day by crapping with me. *look a the time now* 4.10am. gosh haha no wonder u are tired alrd. tks so much! go write ur testimonial now haha

PS. get well soon mr eugene tan. we all miss u!

life

2006-06-05T22:36:00.001+08:00

lin dear, u wont noe just how happy i am for you. happy to the extent i'm dropping tears of joy. ur birthday is in a few hours time but i cant wait to wish u HAPPY 18! u've finally found someone who's able to lead u out of the shadow of him and i hope he will be the one for u. u're one person who makes my life complete. this is for u *huggs*

my life. doesn't seem to be going the way i plan. i even start thinking is it a mistake to leave MI? to leave the place i miss so much now? the people? the memories? talking abt memories.. haha i'm a lil too emo todae i guess.. looking thru the book lin gave me as present i'm reminded of so much. a year may seem short but it feels like a lifetime. or maybe it feels like a lifetime because the life i'm leading now is totally different i feel like another person? mr ser once said, i've made my choice i shouldn't regret. or rather never regret. i dun noe wad i want in life now but i noe i must make some changes. and it must start with me.

well, god set the 10 commandments to guide his people so i thot i might as well use it as a guide.

1) thou shall not lie.

2) thou shall not steal.

3) thou shall not litter.

4) thou shall not jay walk.

5) thou shall not be late.

6) thou shall not be lazy.

7) thou shall not gossip.

8) thou shall not throw temper.

9) thou shall not smoke.

10) thou shall not be a spendthrift.

alright. random 10 commandments i set for myself. not arrange in any sequence of importance. just random. maybe i should just be grateful for the little things i often overlook and feel that my life's not bad afterall :)

horoscopes

2006-06-04T01:26:00.000+08:00

a small attempt to try to understand u more..

Aquairus: You're the kind of person who organises protests to stop logging, hates cruelty to animals and wants to change the world! You're also independent, unconventional and eccentric. Your need to be different will make you try anything once and your dislike of being ordered about will often mean you do the exact the opposite to what you've been told to do. Nothing about you is predictable - except your talent to surprise.
Either a *Gemini*, *Libra* or fellow *Aquarian* will suit you fine. These signs are so crazy, gorgeous and romantic they'll send your pulse rate soaring. They like their freedom, too, so you won't have to worry about things getting too serious yet!

Pisces: You're loving, romantic and sentimental but you tend to view the world through rose-tinted glasses, especially when you're in love. You make a great best buddy because you are always willing to help a friend in need, but this sometimes means you end up neglecting yourself - and you rarely ask for help even when you're desperate. You tend to underestimate yourself, too, but will usually excel in everything you set your mind to. You're also one of those annoying people who say they didn't do very well in an exam and end up getting 95%.
If you're a typical Piscean, your best bet for romance is with either a *Cancer*, *Scorpio* or fellow *Piscean*. These signs are easy to get on with, ultra romantic, good kissers, fun, imaginative and love devoting every moment of their time with you.

Aries: You're passionate by nature and the opposite sex just love that sexy energy of yours. You're also flirtatious, even with girls/boys who are just mates and you love the thrill of a chase - until you think things are getting too heavy. Love is a drug for you and once you've experienced the rush new love can give, you want to experience it again and again. You don't give your heart away easily, but when you do, you can become rather power-mad and expect a lot from your guy/girl.
You need someone who has as much energy, enthusiasm and passion as you have, so*Leo* and fellow *Aries* are your best bets. But just like you these signs love a good flirt, so you'll have to watch that jealous streak. Remember you can't get mad over things you do yourself.

Taurus: You have little trouble attracting the opposite sex because you're so sexy, but when it comes to dating, you're very choosy. You won't go out with just *anyone*, even if he/she looks like a model. As far as you're concerned, looks aren't everything - he has to press your buttons mentally, as well as emotionally, to get you fired up. Once you're in love, you need peace, harmony and emotional security. If a guy/girl can offer you this, you're be a very loyal and caring boy/girlfriend.
If you are a typical Taurus, you need someone who's down-to-earth and reliable. They must be easy to get on with and intelligent, so you should choose another earth sign: *Virgo*, *Taurus* or *Capricorn*. If you are after a bit more oomph in your love-life, a *Scorpio* will get your heart racing.

Gemini: You're so exciting and imaginative that you can turn the dullest of dates into a great adventure. With you, even a journey on the bus takes on a strangely magical quality. Because of this, you're in huge demand with girls/guys. You're also one hell of a flirt - probably one of the best in the zodiac - so don't be surprised if some of your male/female mates have secret yearnings for you.
You're only truly happy with someone who's witty, intelligent, exciting and independent. Your ideal partner is one who can be loving, but can also give you the space that you need. You can't stand clingy people, so carefree *Libra*, *Aquarius* or *Gemini* are the ones for you.

You probably come across as cool but once someone gets to know you, they'll see that this is just a cover. Inside, you're a soft, warm, caring, and intuitive girl. On the downside, you tend to take things to heart and an innocent remark can send you into a huge downer. In love, you can be moody but you're also very sensual. You're a caring companion but some find you too clingy coz you need lots of hugs to stave off insecurity - something you suffer from more than most.
You need someone who's witty, intelligent, exciting and independent. One who can be loving, but can also give you the space you need. You can't stand clingy people, so carefree *Libra*, *Aquarius* or *Gemini* are definitely the ones who'll really appreciate you.

Leo: Because your ruling planet is the sun, you have a warm, bright, fun-loving personality. You also have a fabulous way of lighting up the lives of everyone around you. As all your friends will tell you, you're a total extrovert, the ultimate party animal, who always speak your mind - although at times you can be too bossy for your own good. In love, you're very physical - you love holding hands, kissing and hugging. Because you're so passionate and want to be worshipped as a god/des's, you're often disappointed. Mere mortal people find it hard to keep up with your demands for adoration.
Leos tend to go for guys who are as feisty and passionate as themselves - someone who's energetic, adventurous and romantic. In which case, fellow *Leos*, *Sagittarian* or *Aries* are the ones for you.

Virgo: You're highly strung, shy and can never do enough to please others. In love, you've got high standards and would never consider dating someone if they didn't come up to scratch. With the opposite sex, you usually come across as modest because you lack self-confidence. Some Virgos are the exact opposite but their flirty, out-there behavior is almost always a cover for their insecurity. Once you find someone you can trust, though, you're a faithful, protective and a loving partner - a prize catch!
If you're a typical Virgo, you need someone who's down-to-earth, reliable and doesn't like unpredictability. They must be fun and easy to get along with, and you'd get bored if he wasn't your intellectual equal. You're best bets are *Aquarians*, *Virgos* or *Capricorns* - or a super-sensitive *Pisces*.

Libra: A person born under Libra horoscope love the concept of being loved, therefore are constantly searching for the perfect mate. People with Libra Horoscope also love romance and consequently are good at it. Filled with personal dignity and elegance, you may find people with Libra Horoscope to dazzle and captivate you time and time again. Although a person born under Libra horoscope may be indecisive about making a commitment, once committed to a relationship, you will find harmony and peace with them.
This zodiac sign of partnership needs a companion who will understand, appreciate, and perhaps even idolize them. If you're searching for a partner that is socially outgoing and affectionate, you've found them. In a Leo, Gemini and Aquarius, a Libra will find love.

Scorpio: Scorpios have a rep for being total sex bombs - even when you try your hardest not to be a love kitten, you ooze sex appeal. You're passionate about your loved ones , fiercely loyal and you demand the same in return. You have amazing intuition and just know if someone's lying to you - especially if it's your boy/girlfriend. If someone dumps you. you're string enough to pick up the pieces and start all over and aren't above a bit of good-old-fashioned payback - but the smart ones know success is the best revenge.
If you're a typical Scorpio, your best bet for romance is with a fellow *Scorpio* or a *Cancer* or *Pisces*. These sign are as emotionally sensitive as you, mean what they say, won't play around and love romancing you. Someone who *adores* you?? Just your style.

Sagittarius: You're cheerful and optimistic, with heaps of enthusiasm for life and your restless nature needs regular change and challenges. Your freedom is incredibly important to you and you can't stand to feel hemmed in by anyone or anything. You need space and fresh air and take a free-wheeling attitude to life. You're ultimate good-time person, the life and soul of any party, but you do tend to see the world through rose-tinted sunnies - especially when it comes to the ones you choose to date.
If you're a typical Sagittarian, you're best romance bet is a fire sign - a *Leo*, *Sagittarius* or *Aries*. These signs are brave and passionate. They like their independence, too, so you won't have to worry that they'll get too clingy! For style you can't beat s *Libran* - you two can show off together to your hearts content.

Capricorn: You're very practical and down-to-earth with a will to succeed in everything you do but the Capricorn lack of self-confidence sometimes lets you down - big time! Friends love your wicked, off-beat sense of humour - you manage to enjoy life in a pretty light-hearted way. Some may regard you as being cool, even uncaring, but this is rarely the case - what stops you letting go is a lack of trust. You can be warm, loving and loyal but only when you feel really comfortable with your partner.
You need a stable and caring relationship. Your partner must be easy to get on with, ultra romantic, really good at snogging and intellectually on the same level. So a *Taurus*, *Capricorn* or *Virgo* could well be the lover you're looking for. They are as romantic as you are underneath.

city of sin

2006-06-03T01:46:00.000+08:00

tell me i'm doing the right thing. tell me. tell me.
i dun wan to end up getting hurt. really. its horrible. no intention to relive it.
IF.. if.. if.. if i do get too attached den that's the end.
nobody in sin city can think logically. they are all guided by emotions. follow ur heart. that's why they indulge. they live for themselves and not others. selfish people? maybe. but its hard to resist isn't it? they just have to go thru it before they can ever learn. mistakes. who dun make them? but people in sin city choose to make mistakes as long as it makes them happy. happy. that's the word. momentary happiness? wad comes after that? dun wanna noe. guilty? that's not the word. the word is worth. lets not make it too obvious. i dun want to tink anymore. i just entered sin city.

eighteen; scandalous

2006-06-01T00:24:00.000+08:00

i'm losing control. nah. i dun wanna be an alcoholic. just addicted to the high-ness of consuming alcohol. no more clubbing till dun noe when cos mummy impose curfew alrd! yah. my bdae present for returning home so early. another reason is of cos vainpot needs her beauty sleep. she's seriously sleep deprived. no wonder clubbing is the youngster thing. damn i'm feeling old alrd.

despite sleeping only 2 hours i went for ICA still. couldn't concentrate. just hope i din do too badly. and then linlin was so damn sweet! a bouquet of blue rose and a book of memories. this friendship i will cherish forever. yep and thanks burveen, yongen, magdeline and jasmine for presents! heh.

had lotsa fun with darling and baby. turn zara upside down with em trying on all types of clothes haha. and then there's craving for prata so impromptu went prata house and icekimo again. haha that's like a million years ago since we been there rite?

and seriously i need to thank bobby so very much! he's been so damn kind taking care of me last nite haha and shhh.. dun tell anybody anything hor! haha that sounds wrong.

haha maybe i should stop before karma finds me right? its not right. but i'm addicted.

dedicated

2006-05-30T01:51:00.000+08:00

rebellious? that's the word. i seem to be doing all the wrong stuff and yada yada. lin i noe u really care for me but u noe me well enough i just wan to try EVERYTHING. yea everything. and my character. i'm addicted that's why its so hard. and seriously u're my bestest friend ever and u noe it. i love u! haha its kinda late la or rather early. just finish revising marketing. always the last minute person. sigh. dun feel the urgency until the very last second. bad habit. slap myself.

i crave to be drunk once more.

i crave..

STOP tempting me so much!

flashbacks

2006-05-28T23:49:00.000+08:00

i've sinned. darn. satan's temptation was too strong.

anyway, thanks for the zam bak surprise. that was the nicest thing thing u could do for me at this time! haha cos the blue-black is spreading fast. thanks for todae. i really enjoyed.

oh and there's this old man in the train, he suddenly sneeze so bloody hard his mucus flew out la! and i mean flew. really flew. poor fellow standing in front of him. his crumpler bag his levis shirt and his precious face got mucus all over. poor thing. the old man din even apologise for hell sake. he just walk away. suddenly had the urge to laugh at that guy's shock face but lets not be mean.

hahahahaha

Facts

2006-05-27T14:29:00.000+08:00

Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant and it is the central nervous system which is the bodily system that is most severely affected by alcohol. The degree to which the central nervous system function is impaired is directly proportional to the concentration of alcohol in the blood.

below are the effects of alcohol on the human body:
Subclinical - Behavior nearly normal by ordinary observation

Euphoria - Mild euphoria, sociability, talkitiveness, Increased self-confidence; decreased inhibitions. Diminution of attention, judgment and control. Beginning of sensory-motor impairment

Excitement - Emotional instability; loss of critical judgment. Impairment of perception, memory and comprehension. Decreased sensitory response; increased reaction time. Reduced visual acuity; peripheral vision and glare recovery. Sensory-motor incoordination; impaired balance. Drowsiness

Confusion - Disorientation, mental confusion; dizziness. Exaggerated emotional states. Disturbances of vision and of perception of color, form, motion and dimensions. Increased pain threshold. Increased muscular incoordination; staggering gait; slurred speech. Apathy, lethargy

Stupor - General inertia; approaching loss of motor functions. Markedly decreased response to stimuli. Marked muscular incoordination; inability to stand or walk. Vomiting; incontinence. Impaired consciousness; sleep or stupor

Coma - Complete unconsciousness. Depressed or abolished reflexes. Subnormal body temperature. Incontinence. Impairment of circulation and respiration. Possible death

Death - Death from respiratory arrest

did these scare you?

Note:
In general, the less you weigh the more you will be affected by a given amount of alcohol.
Drink plenty of water to prevent hangovers.
Secrets are no longer screts when u're pissed drunk.
Only drink with trusted friends.

"ditto"

2006-05-21T01:12:00.000+08:00

first and foremost, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAO HENG! i'm really sorry i forgot to call at 12 midnight but still hope u have a pleasant day ahead of u.. sorry if i spoilt ur dae in any way.. come'on! learn to be more positive! *smiles*
no offence but seriously MI carnival is so boring.. 50 bucks worth of coupons and no where to spent for goodness sake! the haunted house was crowded like shit and also partly my fault.. reach ard 3pm so there's nothing much left.. so in the end just gave the remaining coupons to 05b2 :)) miss u guys so much!!

god. i'm a good girl! haha i rejected going MOS tonite to stay home and finish up my web tech project. praise me. hee.
screw the project. I NEED SLEEP! sigh.

chill gurl chill

2006-05-17T23:34:00.000+08:00

played pool todae :)) i didn't thought i would give it a try at first but generally not too bad.. haha with some guiding from shilong thou.. cos not good with angle.. its rather fun.. miss playing it right now alrd! hahaha
organising another drinking event? i'm game. but... mum will definitely not be happy bout it.. but i guess can make use of my bdae as excuse? haha lets see first cos ICAs all on that week.. stress ar.. i really really really want to try the reverse bungee so much! preferably with someone special u noe? haha it would be a really memorable experience for my 18th bdae if it ever happens.. chien! where on earth are the good guys on this planet man? are they all dead? or haha like u sae all gays?? wad a pity..
alrite. eugene keeps complaining he's nervous abt the speech tml so i tot i shall be real nice and wish him luck!
ps. he's been really mean to me! so i'm nice! haha
AND i almost forgot! happy bdae darling! todae is my sis's 11th birthdae.. *huggs*

i need a break

2006-05-14T23:54:00.000+08:00

i'm so damn full now la! tummy showing.. todae is my family's once a year reunion dinner at the imperial court restaurant to celebrate mothers' dae again! eat too full so drowsy.. shouldn't be here blogging actually.. haha still hafen start on my speech which is to be delivered tml..
have to be a really good girl alrd.. if not i will soon be grounded by mum. i know its my fault so shall not grumble but please believe me can? i know my limits and i know wad i shouldn't do.
for people who are wondering wad happened, i tink i went overboard when i reached home at 4am last nite.. twice in a week is far over my parent's limits i guess.. better behave like a good girl or i might not be able to celebrate my bdae.. i'm so stressed! over the stupid speech! cant they give me a easier topic? my life is so boring i've nothing special to tok abt at all for goodness sake..
god, bless me please..
i need a little more than prayers to help me pass tml ICA..
and i'm so deprived of sleep..
rest my soul..

east coast nite

2006-05-12T07:46:00.000+08:00

oh so yesterdae was sports dae for MI! met saddad and atik's man on the train wen i'm on my way to eugene's hse.. onxy won again!! onxy rawks!! right. dinner @ kenny rogers and i really have to sae the cheese marcaroni is superb. really. and chilling out session at east coast park with crappy card games and my fav. liquor. down multiple shots and was kinda high.. gin, absolut vodka, sparkling juices, soft drinks and lime juice. some of adrian's concoction taste really nice and some like "cork". hafen pushed my limits yet so wasn't drunk just high. 4 of us slept on the jetty's freakin rough concrete surface. was staring at the sky the whole nite and crapping.. feels good to be sleeping in the wild once in a while. veenoth was so kind to bring daphne home and thanks for teaching me to use the empty liquor bottle! haha it din come to use, the boys were generally well behaved. uh-uh never get me started.. i get addicted to liquor very easily and soon i'll be craving for more.. my first shot was power. stomach instantly warmed up and practically hot! subsequently everything tasted mild.. guess my taste buds numbed.. cos cant really taste anything so i poured a little more alcohol than i should. shots are nice.. i realise.. they taste so strong but the effect is.. i'm really addicted to it. that kick.
seriously i'm still experiencing the after effect.. still giddy until now.. but luckily no hangovers.. cos later still got to go out with mummy.. shhh.. rush back home and bathe straight away.. probably reeking of alcohol..
the letters on the keyboards are like jumping here and there now..
need to catch a short nap now.. ciao..

three daes

2006-05-02T22:19:00.000+08:00

a short summary of wad happen these few daes :)
sunday went sentosa. not to sun tan but for some event! Challenge Your Limits. god. really did challenged my limits. 1st game tug of war. my grp all gurls except one guy against another grp with a number of guys. of cos we lost but we definitely put up a good fight! :)) my back's breaking and abrasion and blueblack all over..
played a couple of really fun games and got to know a number of really nice people thru that event!
labour dae went escape theme park with mummy, korkor, sis and ah yi and my two cute little cousins! din play a lot of games cos all try before le.. haha but but but i finally went into the haunted house! SCARY~
korkor lead the way haha halfway thru met people in front of us in the end they too scared to go so all push korkor in front so funny! i just cant wait to get out!! den coincidentally met rena and her friend :))
okay and now the highlights! todae after macroecons lecture something SUPER and i mean SUPER funny happened! hahahahah! veenoth tore his pants!! hahahha while trying to kick daphne in the face. hahha he foot was so close to her face but of cos didn't touch her at all but i heard a loud sound.. was just wondering wad was that until he went off covering his butt haha luckily he got his tkd pants to change into but still its TOTALLY HILARIOUS!

rights and wrongs

2006-04-23T19:47:00.000+08:00

okay it doesn't even concern me but i want to voice out my opinion. just felt a little 愤愤不平，不吐不快。just now went down for dinner and when we walk past the playground saw a group of adults surrounding a small kid who's crying, consoling him. was just wondering wad happen when my sis came to tell me another boy was cycling very fast and knock into that little kid. the adults (around 4 to 5 of them) scolded the boy and one uncle even slapped the boy. what i want to sae is, yes the boy is wrong to cycle irresponsibly and deserve to be scolded but who the heck is that uncle to slap him?! he's just a little kid and come on la i'm sure he didn't mean to knock into the little boy. what kind of values is that uncle inculcating to the boy?! that violence is the solution to all things?? who did he think he was? the police? not even the police have the right to slap the boy la! i believe the only person to slap the boy has to be his parents. if i'm there at that point of time i WILL make sure that uncle hear this!
we are all civilized people so please behave in a civilized manner.

BREEKS

2006-04-22T16:30:00.000+08:00

i tink i deserve it man haha first i skip lecture on friday to go ice-skating is alrd wrong den next i went ice skating despite my fever is the next wrong thing! no wonder my fever is not subsiding..
went causeway pt after that for dinner but din eat anything.. cos lunch at breeks was.... awful... totally spoil my appetite..
freezing cold~

get well soon

2006-04-20T16:51:00.000+08:00

oh no.. i'm the kind of pperson who doesn't fall sick easily or even if i do i usually self medicate and will be jumping ard a few daes later.. but this time i noe it will not work.. thanks to the weather these few daes i'm having high fever.. hate those tablets! last nite was the worst nite i ever had. burning 39 degrees C. cant even walk properly, muscles aching.. and when i got home my brother was having a party at home, playing mahjong.. i walk straight into the room drop everything and slept.. this morning still have to go for lessons.. when i woke up my throat was hurting like hell.. stepsils saved the day!! hafen eaten anything since yesterdae afternoon.. now i'm comfortably wrapped in my comforter drawing my own body heat and dozing off again... ... ...

orientation

2006-04-12T23:07:00.000+08:00

hey this time i'm the one being orientated! haha how fast things change huh? tis year nyp ogls' shirt is also yellow! not bad not bad. haha spotted quite a few hunks around. AF0601 perhaps it doesn't mean anything but it sound nice to be in the first class huh?

orientation is so so so boring.. its onli fun when huisi came to disturb. opps. she dun like to be called huisi. okae ms rena, tks for offering such a nice dinner hor. i will remember it de! first time play whacko punishment eat the french loaf that so many people hold to whack. lol.

heys 3rd SCs, there's some really interesting games too! maybe can use for next year orientation :)) but will that be considered infringing copyright? haha

okae lets talk a little abt my PM. no no, not prime minister. he's DR badri, my Personal Mentor. something like home tutor? haha one crappy guy. told us his PhD stand for permanent head damage.. (he's balding by the way) lol. and i'm in the same class as aishah! she was in MI for a couple of mths before withdrawing. and now we're gonna be classmates again! this is what i call fate. u can't run away from me! :))

lets make it a fun filled three years!!
irritating lin! introduce ur new frens to me! hahaha just kidding! =p